I recently read an article over at The Good Men Project, entitled "The Danger of Demonizing Male Sexuality". Written by Alyssa Royse, it is a good article. Good, but not great and there are a few issues within the article that I feel I have to mention, in particular.
The article opens by looking at how difficult it is for male writers to write about male sexuality, without being seen as douchebags. Is this the case? I don't yet know, but being as I am likely to discuss male sexuality a fair bit in my coming blogs, I guess the comments I receive will be the evidence one way or the other.
Main thrust of the article, however, is how dangerous it is to portray men as predators towards women and to crate a mentality and culture in which men are depicted this way, not just to women, but to men too. Thus, women are not merely taught that they should be wary of men because they are predators, but men are also being taught that they are predators.
One small point that I want to bring up, is that men are predators. We're not the deviant, detestable sexual predators being described, but we are predators, nonetheless.
At a basic biological level, predation is hard-wired into us. It's something that took a firm hold on the male psyche back when we were living in caves. We are predators. The hunting instinct is still deep within us and even though it has been smothered by the creatures comforts of modern farming, technology and high-street shopping, it is still there.
A man getting ready for a night out, thinks about whether or not he might get lucky. He showers, shaves, decides what to wear and thinks about the ladies out there. Somewhere under that, tucked within those thoughts, is the hunter. The predator.
He's not an uncontrollable beast and having that primal spark does not mean that he wants to subjugate a woman, own her or mistreat her.
The hunter's primal spark doesn't remove his civility and he still knows that each woman is a person. It's just that a lot of them are probably people that he's sexually attracted to - and that's okay.
But it isn't all about sex. Not by a long shot. Just flirting is a thrill for the inner hunter. Even just seeing women around him in the right environment (like a club or bar), awakens that thrill.
That's why I believe that the message of Alyssa Royse's article needs to be slightly adjusted. Men should be able to enjoy their own appreciation of women and they should be able to enjoy the "thrill of the chase" (so to speak). Men need to know that it is okay to like that side of themselves.
The message that needs to be delivered is that the hunter's thrill is part of man's internal world and that even though he has this primal aspect within him, the external world must be a place of civility.
But in addition, it needs to be understood that the mating dance is not something that occurs between predator and prey, instead it is something that takes place between two equal hunters, both of whom deserve respect.
This brings me on to the next part of the article, in which a five point guide is presented for how men should approach and interact with women, in order to help break the culture of men being seen as dangerous predators. That's fine. In fact, that's great. But where is the rest of it? The article focuses on what men can do to change things, but that is only half the story. The dating game involves two players, both of whom have equal responsibility in this matter.
Men can do things to stop the perception towards them of being dangerous predators? Sure. But women have their part to play, too!
Firstly, don't just work changing the image of "man the predator", also work to change the image of "woman as prey". No, before anyone starts, women being portrayed that way is not part of 'the evil patriarchy' or whatever. It is a role assumed and most often assumed willingly by women.
We're talking about the dating game, here. As much as men need to show that they are not dangerous and evil creatures, preying on women; women need to also lift themselves up as the equal hunters that they are. A woman may hunt with a different tool set, but she still has a huntress within her.
If the modern playing field of dating is to be an equal one, both sexes need to do their part.
Alyssa Royce's five point guide for men is good. So, here are my suggestions for women.
1. Allow a man to be a man. He'll be willing to meet your needs, 9 out of 10 times. Recognise that he has needs, too. He also has his own vulnerabilities and appreciates an ego boost, not just with regards to the things that are important to you, but with regards to the things that are important to him. This also means you should pay attention to what is important to each man, even if it isn't something you consider important.
2. If you want to know what we want, ask us. After that, accept the first answer. It's almost always the one we really mean and genuinely does represent what we really are thinking and wanting. Also, if you give us a choice and we say we don't mind, we really don't mind.
3. Be willing to make the first move. Buy him a drink or better yet, ask him out. You can do this without compromising your femininity. It doesn't make you bossy, too forward or scary. In fact, it's appreciated. We're not that great at reading signals or picking up on hints, so any direct sign that you're interested is good.
If the predator-prey mentality is to disappear, then women need to be willing to step up and stop waiting for men to make the first move.
4. Go Dutch. If it's a date, make it a date among equals. This doesn't have to mean splitting the bill at dinner. If he's asked you out to dinner (or whatever) then you're his guest and it's okay for him to pay. But a good guest is also respectful and carries some of the weight and responsibility for things going smoothly. So, after dinner, perhaps you get some drinks at the bar. That's something you can both pay for in a show of equality. In fact, buy the first round, to show that you're willing to carry your own weight.
Similarly, if you ask him out, be willing to be the one who pays for dinner.
5. If you want to have sex, that's fine. He won't think any less of you for it. If you want a relationship with a man, take the time to get to know him first. Of course he'll want to have sex with you as soon as possible. But if he's serious about you, he'll be willing to wait and believe it or not, you waiting while still dating him will let him know that you're serious about him, too and make it all the more meaningful when you do have sex.
Just be sure to make it clear that you're romantically interested, still. Like I said, we aren't that great at reading subtle signals and so if you don't let us know that you're still interested, we may think that you just want to be friends.
The article opens by looking at how difficult it is for male writers to write about male sexuality, without being seen as douchebags. Is this the case? I don't yet know, but being as I am likely to discuss male sexuality a fair bit in my coming blogs, I guess the comments I receive will be the evidence one way or the other.
Main thrust of the article, however, is how dangerous it is to portray men as predators towards women and to crate a mentality and culture in which men are depicted this way, not just to women, but to men too. Thus, women are not merely taught that they should be wary of men because they are predators, but men are also being taught that they are predators.
One small point that I want to bring up, is that men are predators. We're not the deviant, detestable sexual predators being described, but we are predators, nonetheless.
At a basic biological level, predation is hard-wired into us. It's something that took a firm hold on the male psyche back when we were living in caves. We are predators. The hunting instinct is still deep within us and even though it has been smothered by the creatures comforts of modern farming, technology and high-street shopping, it is still there.
A man getting ready for a night out, thinks about whether or not he might get lucky. He showers, shaves, decides what to wear and thinks about the ladies out there. Somewhere under that, tucked within those thoughts, is the hunter. The predator.
He's not an uncontrollable beast and having that primal spark does not mean that he wants to subjugate a woman, own her or mistreat her.
The hunter's primal spark doesn't remove his civility and he still knows that each woman is a person. It's just that a lot of them are probably people that he's sexually attracted to - and that's okay.
But it isn't all about sex. Not by a long shot. Just flirting is a thrill for the inner hunter. Even just seeing women around him in the right environment (like a club or bar), awakens that thrill.
That's why I believe that the message of Alyssa Royse's article needs to be slightly adjusted. Men should be able to enjoy their own appreciation of women and they should be able to enjoy the "thrill of the chase" (so to speak). Men need to know that it is okay to like that side of themselves.
The message that needs to be delivered is that the hunter's thrill is part of man's internal world and that even though he has this primal aspect within him, the external world must be a place of civility.
But in addition, it needs to be understood that the mating dance is not something that occurs between predator and prey, instead it is something that takes place between two equal hunters, both of whom deserve respect.
This brings me on to the next part of the article, in which a five point guide is presented for how men should approach and interact with women, in order to help break the culture of men being seen as dangerous predators. That's fine. In fact, that's great. But where is the rest of it? The article focuses on what men can do to change things, but that is only half the story. The dating game involves two players, both of whom have equal responsibility in this matter.
Men can do things to stop the perception towards them of being dangerous predators? Sure. But women have their part to play, too!
Firstly, don't just work changing the image of "man the predator", also work to change the image of "woman as prey". No, before anyone starts, women being portrayed that way is not part of 'the evil patriarchy' or whatever. It is a role assumed and most often assumed willingly by women.
We're talking about the dating game, here. As much as men need to show that they are not dangerous and evil creatures, preying on women; women need to also lift themselves up as the equal hunters that they are. A woman may hunt with a different tool set, but she still has a huntress within her.
If the modern playing field of dating is to be an equal one, both sexes need to do their part.
Alyssa Royce's five point guide for men is good. So, here are my suggestions for women.
1. Allow a man to be a man. He'll be willing to meet your needs, 9 out of 10 times. Recognise that he has needs, too. He also has his own vulnerabilities and appreciates an ego boost, not just with regards to the things that are important to you, but with regards to the things that are important to him. This also means you should pay attention to what is important to each man, even if it isn't something you consider important.
2. If you want to know what we want, ask us. After that, accept the first answer. It's almost always the one we really mean and genuinely does represent what we really are thinking and wanting. Also, if you give us a choice and we say we don't mind, we really don't mind.
3. Be willing to make the first move. Buy him a drink or better yet, ask him out. You can do this without compromising your femininity. It doesn't make you bossy, too forward or scary. In fact, it's appreciated. We're not that great at reading signals or picking up on hints, so any direct sign that you're interested is good.
If the predator-prey mentality is to disappear, then women need to be willing to step up and stop waiting for men to make the first move.
4. Go Dutch. If it's a date, make it a date among equals. This doesn't have to mean splitting the bill at dinner. If he's asked you out to dinner (or whatever) then you're his guest and it's okay for him to pay. But a good guest is also respectful and carries some of the weight and responsibility for things going smoothly. So, after dinner, perhaps you get some drinks at the bar. That's something you can both pay for in a show of equality. In fact, buy the first round, to show that you're willing to carry your own weight.
Similarly, if you ask him out, be willing to be the one who pays for dinner.
5. If you want to have sex, that's fine. He won't think any less of you for it. If you want a relationship with a man, take the time to get to know him first. Of course he'll want to have sex with you as soon as possible. But if he's serious about you, he'll be willing to wait and believe it or not, you waiting while still dating him will let him know that you're serious about him, too and make it all the more meaningful when you do have sex.
Just be sure to make it clear that you're romantically interested, still. Like I said, we aren't that great at reading subtle signals and so if you don't let us know that you're still interested, we may think that you just want to be friends.