Men like sex.
According to our reputation, we like it a lot. As often as possible, in fact. Not only that, but with lots of different women. ...according to stereotypes of men, at least.
That stereotype tends to paint men as such incredible horn-dogs, that we would never turn down sex. Ever.
Certainly, it is true that men - most men - do like sex. Generally speaking.
But everything beyond that, is a myth, or at least, a terribly exaggerated stereotype (as is so often the case with stereotypes).
In reality, the male sex drive is quite a varied thing and can be affected by a number of different factors, making men either more or less horny, at different times. This, in itself, should be no great revelation to most sensible people. For women it is much the same. But what is not the same for women, is that men are under this stereotype of horniness and it is a stereotype that can be quite harmful, as it can have a negative affect on relationships between men and women, but also on male self-image.
The idea of the high male sex-drive is so ingrained in our culture, that it is even taken on board as being a part of male identity and that there is something wrong with a man if he does fit into that high-libido mould of wanting lots of sex. The further ramification of this, I'll go into in a moment, but first, I would like to discuss those men who do not possess this massive desire for sex.
According to our reputation, we like it a lot. As often as possible, in fact. Not only that, but with lots of different women. ...according to stereotypes of men, at least.
That stereotype tends to paint men as such incredible horn-dogs, that we would never turn down sex. Ever.
Certainly, it is true that men - most men - do like sex. Generally speaking.
But everything beyond that, is a myth, or at least, a terribly exaggerated stereotype (as is so often the case with stereotypes).
In reality, the male sex drive is quite a varied thing and can be affected by a number of different factors, making men either more or less horny, at different times. This, in itself, should be no great revelation to most sensible people. For women it is much the same. But what is not the same for women, is that men are under this stereotype of horniness and it is a stereotype that can be quite harmful, as it can have a negative affect on relationships between men and women, but also on male self-image.
The idea of the high male sex-drive is so ingrained in our culture, that it is even taken on board as being a part of male identity and that there is something wrong with a man if he does fit into that high-libido mould of wanting lots of sex. The further ramification of this, I'll go into in a moment, but first, I would like to discuss those men who do not possess this massive desire for sex.
"I have a headache"
There is this relationship stereotype in existence of a man desperately seeking sex from his spouse, while she rejects him with the excuse of having a headache, usually as a code for saying that she simply doesn't want to have sex. This dynamic of the male-female relationship, with a highly sexed man on one side and a woman with a lesser libido on the other side, is a familiar portrayal and has become an almost comedic way of expressing the commonly perceived view of the differences between male and female sex drives.
But what about when the situation is the other way around? What about when it is the man that does not want sex?
While we may more commonly think of woman as having the waning or lower sex drive, men with low libidos are far from rare. In fact, according to charity Mind, in a third of the couples that they council for this issue, it is the man who experiences the loss of libido and according to the NHS, approximately 1 in 5 men suffer from loss of libido.
It is an unenviable position to be, as the myth of rampant male horniness is so pervasive that it not only makes a man question his own male identity, but also tends to result in problems for his partner. For her, the idea of a man not wanting sex is so counter to proposed cultural norms, that she is often led to believe that the problem is her. Despite what she is told, she may often jump to the conclusion that her partner is no longer attracted to her, doesn't love her, that there must be another woman and so on. But this is not the case. For the man, he is just attracted to her as he ever was. He is still very much in love with her. He's not having sex with someone else. In fact, he's not wanting sex with anyone.
What's happening is going on inside of him.
Of course, a flagging sex life can be a sign that there is something amiss with the relationship, but if a man is otherwise happy in the relationship, then neither the relationship or his partner are the problem. It is very much necessary for his partner to accept this, if she wishes to help him regain his libido and the first thing to do is to throw out the notion that men can't/don't have low sex drives.
Why a man's sex drive is low, can be due to a variety of causes.
Firstly, some men just have low sex drives. For them, that is their norm and it does not need to be fixed..
For other men, libido can be lessened due to a number of things and just one or several factors may be the cause.
It is a little known fact that men possess a natural cycle, much like women do. Actually, men have a multiple cycles. Men have an hourly hormonal cycle, a daily hormonal cycle, a monthly hormonal cycle and a yearly hormonal cycle. Men also experience a hormonal change between the ages of 40 and 55, when they enter a period often referred as a kind of male menopause. But to break that all down to basics, male hormone levels go up and down in different ways, at different times. This can affect male sex drive, to some degree.
More significant to long-term reduced libido, stress, anxiety or exhaustion, can all be factors that result in diminished libido. Drugs and alcohol can also be causes. This includes both prescription medication and illegal drugs. Further to that, other medical issues may be responsible, including Depression, under-active thyroid and several other medical conditions can cause loss of libido.
Age is also a factor. Though many people do not realise it, men in their thirties are at the age that their sex drive naturally begins to reduce. The older a man becomes, the more likely it is that his sex drive will lessen, as his body produces lower levels of testosterone.
For the benefit of men's health and their mental wellbeing, it is important that we acknowledge the realities of the male sex drive, which can be both high and low. While, for the benefit of male-female relationships, it is important for women to realise that they may well find themselves with one of those 1 in 5 men who suffer a loss of libido and that it is not because of them.or any change in how their partner sees them. Men, likewise, need to communicate this fact and perhaps be ready to express affection in other ways that will help their partner feel sexy, loved and wanted.
There is this relationship stereotype in existence of a man desperately seeking sex from his spouse, while she rejects him with the excuse of having a headache, usually as a code for saying that she simply doesn't want to have sex. This dynamic of the male-female relationship, with a highly sexed man on one side and a woman with a lesser libido on the other side, is a familiar portrayal and has become an almost comedic way of expressing the commonly perceived view of the differences between male and female sex drives.
But what about when the situation is the other way around? What about when it is the man that does not want sex?
While we may more commonly think of woman as having the waning or lower sex drive, men with low libidos are far from rare. In fact, according to charity Mind, in a third of the couples that they council for this issue, it is the man who experiences the loss of libido and according to the NHS, approximately 1 in 5 men suffer from loss of libido.
It is an unenviable position to be, as the myth of rampant male horniness is so pervasive that it not only makes a man question his own male identity, but also tends to result in problems for his partner. For her, the idea of a man not wanting sex is so counter to proposed cultural norms, that she is often led to believe that the problem is her. Despite what she is told, she may often jump to the conclusion that her partner is no longer attracted to her, doesn't love her, that there must be another woman and so on. But this is not the case. For the man, he is just attracted to her as he ever was. He is still very much in love with her. He's not having sex with someone else. In fact, he's not wanting sex with anyone.
What's happening is going on inside of him.
Of course, a flagging sex life can be a sign that there is something amiss with the relationship, but if a man is otherwise happy in the relationship, then neither the relationship or his partner are the problem. It is very much necessary for his partner to accept this, if she wishes to help him regain his libido and the first thing to do is to throw out the notion that men can't/don't have low sex drives.
Why a man's sex drive is low, can be due to a variety of causes.
Firstly, some men just have low sex drives. For them, that is their norm and it does not need to be fixed..
For other men, libido can be lessened due to a number of things and just one or several factors may be the cause.
It is a little known fact that men possess a natural cycle, much like women do. Actually, men have a multiple cycles. Men have an hourly hormonal cycle, a daily hormonal cycle, a monthly hormonal cycle and a yearly hormonal cycle. Men also experience a hormonal change between the ages of 40 and 55, when they enter a period often referred as a kind of male menopause. But to break that all down to basics, male hormone levels go up and down in different ways, at different times. This can affect male sex drive, to some degree.
More significant to long-term reduced libido, stress, anxiety or exhaustion, can all be factors that result in diminished libido. Drugs and alcohol can also be causes. This includes both prescription medication and illegal drugs. Further to that, other medical issues may be responsible, including Depression, under-active thyroid and several other medical conditions can cause loss of libido.
Age is also a factor. Though many people do not realise it, men in their thirties are at the age that their sex drive naturally begins to reduce. The older a man becomes, the more likely it is that his sex drive will lessen, as his body produces lower levels of testosterone.
For the benefit of men's health and their mental wellbeing, it is important that we acknowledge the realities of the male sex drive, which can be both high and low. While, for the benefit of male-female relationships, it is important for women to realise that they may well find themselves with one of those 1 in 5 men who suffer a loss of libido and that it is not because of them.or any change in how their partner sees them. Men, likewise, need to communicate this fact and perhaps be ready to express affection in other ways that will help their partner feel sexy, loved and wanted.
Speaking of Relationships
It is also advantageous for men to fight against the horny male stereotype for another reason: because they are not conducive to achieving a meaningful, long-term relationship.
The stereotype of the excessive male sex drive, goes hand in hand with other negative male stereotypes, such as "men don't want to commit", "men see women as sex objects", "men are all players", etc. But the reality is, of course, far different. There, of course, both men and women out there enjoying lives of casual sex, without commitment. But more and more often these days, men are finding that it is difficult to find a girl who wants to settle down in a steady relationship and while searching for such a girl, they do find that they get used for sex. I think that most men are able to just pick themselves up and move on from this kind of experience, but even so, the attitude of "doesn't matter, had sex" is no true balm for the feeling of disappointment that comes with the experience.
Perhaps then, men should be seen to have desires beyond sex and to fight the idea that sex is priority number one for a man.
Men do want to fall in love, find a partner, settle down and have kids. We have goals for our romantic lives and while most of us want sex to be a part of our relationships, it is not the most important thing. An important thing, perhaps. But not the most important thing - not by a long shot.
It is also advantageous for men to fight against the horny male stereotype for another reason: because they are not conducive to achieving a meaningful, long-term relationship.
The stereotype of the excessive male sex drive, goes hand in hand with other negative male stereotypes, such as "men don't want to commit", "men see women as sex objects", "men are all players", etc. But the reality is, of course, far different. There, of course, both men and women out there enjoying lives of casual sex, without commitment. But more and more often these days, men are finding that it is difficult to find a girl who wants to settle down in a steady relationship and while searching for such a girl, they do find that they get used for sex. I think that most men are able to just pick themselves up and move on from this kind of experience, but even so, the attitude of "doesn't matter, had sex" is no true balm for the feeling of disappointment that comes with the experience.
Perhaps then, men should be seen to have desires beyond sex and to fight the idea that sex is priority number one for a man.
Men do want to fall in love, find a partner, settle down and have kids. We have goals for our romantic lives and while most of us want sex to be a part of our relationships, it is not the most important thing. An important thing, perhaps. But not the most important thing - not by a long shot.
Sexual Violence
Perhaps the most important reason to fight against the stereotype of the uncontrolled male sex drive, is that it casts a dark shadow that makes life even harder for male victims of sexual violence, while also helping to create a common attitude that a man can only ever be the perpetrator of sexual violence.
In some countries, male victims of rape are not even included in the statistics of rape or worse still, it is not even considered a crime. This is even more shocking when one considers that men are the largest group of rape victims. Of course, that statistic is including the number of rapes that occur in prisons, which massively increases the figure of male rape victims. That the prison rape epidemic is going ignored, is a subject for another time. What is important here , for this blog post, is that men (of all orientations and outside of prison) do get raped (by men and women). But when a man gets raped, especially by a woman, he is seldom taken seriously and part of the reason for that is the belief that a man can't engage in sex if he doesn't want to and that all men want to.
However, men can not only be raped, they can also be coerced, manipulated and convinced into having sex. They also receive unwanted sexual advances and contact.
One recent study of high school and college age boys, by Bryana H. French, Jasmine D. Tilghman, and Dominique A. Malebranche of the University of Missouri, showed that:
"Over 4 in 10 participants (43%) experienced sexual coercion: more specifically, the participants reported: verbal coercion (31%, n ϭ 86), seduction coercion (26%, n ϭ 73), physical coercion (18% n ϭ52), and substance coercion (7%, n ϭ 19). Rates were comparable across high school and college students. Racial differences were found such that Asian participants reported significantly lower rates of sexual coercion than Black, White, and Latino participants. Ninety-five percent of the respondents reported women as the perpetrators; participants also described internal obligation, seductive, and peer pressure tactics in descriptions of coercion experiences."
While it would be advantageous to see how such a study translates to a wider sample group, it is nonetheless clear to see that not only do young men experience sexual coercion from women, but that they are more likely to succumb to that coercion due to social pressure.
This is the kind of social pressure stems from the culturalised notion that to be a man, you should have sex and want to have sex, whenever possible. It also comes with the accompanying idea that to turn down sex is 'strange'.
I, myself, have been on the receiving end of that, having turned down sexual invitations on a number of occasions, I was then regarded as strange or weird and even had my position as a man questioned.
More importantly, though, this idea about male libido, does make it much harder for male victims of sexual assault to come forward and be taken seriously, and for men facing sexual coercion to feel as though they have a choice.
We have to also think of our children, in this. Young boys, sexually taken advantage of by older women, find it harder to come forward about their assaults, because society is telling them not merely that they might not be taken seriously, but that if such a thing has happened then they are lucky and should have enjoyed it!
Forgive the use of this video, but it does help illustrate this:
Perhaps the most important reason to fight against the stereotype of the uncontrolled male sex drive, is that it casts a dark shadow that makes life even harder for male victims of sexual violence, while also helping to create a common attitude that a man can only ever be the perpetrator of sexual violence.
In some countries, male victims of rape are not even included in the statistics of rape or worse still, it is not even considered a crime. This is even more shocking when one considers that men are the largest group of rape victims. Of course, that statistic is including the number of rapes that occur in prisons, which massively increases the figure of male rape victims. That the prison rape epidemic is going ignored, is a subject for another time. What is important here , for this blog post, is that men (of all orientations and outside of prison) do get raped (by men and women). But when a man gets raped, especially by a woman, he is seldom taken seriously and part of the reason for that is the belief that a man can't engage in sex if he doesn't want to and that all men want to.
However, men can not only be raped, they can also be coerced, manipulated and convinced into having sex. They also receive unwanted sexual advances and contact.
One recent study of high school and college age boys, by Bryana H. French, Jasmine D. Tilghman, and Dominique A. Malebranche of the University of Missouri, showed that:
"Over 4 in 10 participants (43%) experienced sexual coercion: more specifically, the participants reported: verbal coercion (31%, n ϭ 86), seduction coercion (26%, n ϭ 73), physical coercion (18% n ϭ52), and substance coercion (7%, n ϭ 19). Rates were comparable across high school and college students. Racial differences were found such that Asian participants reported significantly lower rates of sexual coercion than Black, White, and Latino participants. Ninety-five percent of the respondents reported women as the perpetrators; participants also described internal obligation, seductive, and peer pressure tactics in descriptions of coercion experiences."
While it would be advantageous to see how such a study translates to a wider sample group, it is nonetheless clear to see that not only do young men experience sexual coercion from women, but that they are more likely to succumb to that coercion due to social pressure.
This is the kind of social pressure stems from the culturalised notion that to be a man, you should have sex and want to have sex, whenever possible. It also comes with the accompanying idea that to turn down sex is 'strange'.
I, myself, have been on the receiving end of that, having turned down sexual invitations on a number of occasions, I was then regarded as strange or weird and even had my position as a man questioned.
More importantly, though, this idea about male libido, does make it much harder for male victims of sexual assault to come forward and be taken seriously, and for men facing sexual coercion to feel as though they have a choice.
We have to also think of our children, in this. Young boys, sexually taken advantage of by older women, find it harder to come forward about their assaults, because society is telling them not merely that they might not be taken seriously, but that if such a thing has happened then they are lucky and should have enjoyed it!
Forgive the use of this video, but it does help illustrate this:
They say that men think about sex every three seconds. This, of course, is utter rubbish. But that's not to say that the stereotype of male sexual desire is entirely baseless. Men certainly can be sexually vivacious. But we need to stop defining men by this sex-based caricature. Men are not fornicentric (yes, I just invented that word), nor are men sexual deviants or dangerous sexual predators.
We need to do away with this useless stereotype. At best, it teaches men that they will be judged based on their sexual conquests, which undermines the need for sexual responsibility and safety. At worst, it characterises men as sexually uncontrolled and by extension, potentially dangerous.
Neither outcome is any good for anybody.