When discussing men and the issues of men's lives, the term "nice guys" can be a polarising one. Most of us have probably heard the expression "nice guys finish last", to relay the sentiment that being nice doesn't get you anywhere in life, especially in the romance department. Whether or not there is any truth to that, the term "nice guy" is a divisive one and the heart of that division seems to be in what is actually meant when we talk about "nice guys", especially self-confessed nice guys. Then, by extension, discussion of nice guys can also lead into discussion of other concepts, often seen to be related, such as "bad boys" and the so called "friendzone" (though I'll leave those topics for another time).
One of the problems is that people so often talk about nice guys, as if they are a single group that can all be summed up in the same way. Self professed nice guys do this themselves, often complaining about their woes and personal injustices, as if their experiences are indicative of all nice guys. Detractors of nice guys, on the other hand, have a tendency to consider the beleaguered nice guy to be little more than a misogynistic whiner, who thinks that simply being nice to a woman should entitle them to sex with her. The latter view, of course, focuses solely on the romantic/sex life of the individual, in question.
However, nice guys are not a single homogeneous group that can be summarised one way or the other. Nice guys come in all shapes and sizes, with a variety of different outlooks and experiences. I will, however, seek to outline the four general forms that "nice guys" seem to take.
One of the problems is that people so often talk about nice guys, as if they are a single group that can all be summed up in the same way. Self professed nice guys do this themselves, often complaining about their woes and personal injustices, as if their experiences are indicative of all nice guys. Detractors of nice guys, on the other hand, have a tendency to consider the beleaguered nice guy to be little more than a misogynistic whiner, who thinks that simply being nice to a woman should entitle them to sex with her. The latter view, of course, focuses solely on the romantic/sex life of the individual, in question.
However, nice guys are not a single homogeneous group that can be summarised one way or the other. Nice guys come in all shapes and sizes, with a variety of different outlooks and experiences. I will, however, seek to outline the four general forms that "nice guys" seem to take.
Nice Guys Who Finish Last
The old saying does actually describe real people. It may not be true of all nice guys, but it is true of a fair number of them.
For some reason, some nice guys just don't have the best luck with things. Whether it's career, love, or whatever; their good manners, respectful attitude and moral outlook, just hasn't got them far in life. That isn't necessarily because they possess these traits, though.
These nice guys generally aren't shouting and complaining about their lot in life, though. That's not to say that they don't wish things were different, of course. and sure sometimes it can be a little disappointing for these guys when they see other, less scrupulous, people getting what many would consider to be undeserved. But generally speaking, they're just getting on with things, while trying and hoping to turn things around.
These guys tend to have good, steady jobs and are dependable types, that are there for their loved ones. They truly are happy to help others, if they can and will always be respectful towards those around them. They don't think that anyone owes them anything for being nice. Nice is just what they are.
The old saying does actually describe real people. It may not be true of all nice guys, but it is true of a fair number of them.
For some reason, some nice guys just don't have the best luck with things. Whether it's career, love, or whatever; their good manners, respectful attitude and moral outlook, just hasn't got them far in life. That isn't necessarily because they possess these traits, though.
These nice guys generally aren't shouting and complaining about their lot in life, though. That's not to say that they don't wish things were different, of course. and sure sometimes it can be a little disappointing for these guys when they see other, less scrupulous, people getting what many would consider to be undeserved. But generally speaking, they're just getting on with things, while trying and hoping to turn things around.
These guys tend to have good, steady jobs and are dependable types, that are there for their loved ones. They truly are happy to help others, if they can and will always be respectful towards those around them. They don't think that anyone owes them anything for being nice. Nice is just what they are.
Nice Guys Who Finish First
This nice guy is just like the last nice guy, but somehow, things are happening for him. Maybe he's incredibly good looking, maybe he is exceptionally good at his job, maybe he's just really lucky, but for what ever reason this guy is doing well. He's successful with the ladies, going places in his career and probably has a few things on the side too that are also coming up roses.
He's not perfect. But, who is? Maybe some areas of his life are doing better than others. Maybe he's still figuring a few things out. But generally speaking, this nice guy is doing pretty okay.
This guy is just as nice, helpful, polite and genuine as the last guy and like the last guy, he doesn't expect anything because of it. Sometimes he may also see how the rewards go to the least deserving and he's not happy about that, but neither is he complaining about it, too much and he certainly isn't acting like a victim because of it.
This guy is nice. Like other truly nice guys. He's also lucky enough to be doing well in life.
This nice guy is just like the last nice guy, but somehow, things are happening for him. Maybe he's incredibly good looking, maybe he is exceptionally good at his job, maybe he's just really lucky, but for what ever reason this guy is doing well. He's successful with the ladies, going places in his career and probably has a few things on the side too that are also coming up roses.
He's not perfect. But, who is? Maybe some areas of his life are doing better than others. Maybe he's still figuring a few things out. But generally speaking, this nice guy is doing pretty okay.
This guy is just as nice, helpful, polite and genuine as the last guy and like the last guy, he doesn't expect anything because of it. Sometimes he may also see how the rewards go to the least deserving and he's not happy about that, but neither is he complaining about it, too much and he certainly isn't acting like a victim because of it.
This guy is nice. Like other truly nice guys. He's also lucky enough to be doing well in life.
The Other "Nice Guy"
Then there are those guys who regard themselves as nice guys and very much tend to buy into the whole "nice guys finish last" thing. They buy into it because, in their eyes, they are nice guys and they are finishing last.
Sure, these are nice guys in the sense that they don't act like dicks, try not to antagonise anyone and pretty much keep to themselves.
However, these guys are not nice, in the same sense that our first two nice guys are. These other "nice guys" are not being nice and finishing last, what they are actually being, is doormats. These guys are just laying down and taking whatever gets heaped onto them, avoiding both conflict and opportunity, in equal measure. They're not finishing last because they are nice guys, they are finishing last because they lack the spine to stand up and assert themselves for anything more. They then cling to the veneer of the nice guy, because that's the only identity left to them and gives them a convenient scapegoat for why they don't get all the things that they fail to go after.
It's not like social injustice doesn't exist, Mr. Nice Guy. Of course it does. But your failure to assert yourself and grow a pair, is not a social injustice.
If women aren't dating you, maybe you should stop blaming it on being "nice" and instead develop some personality and start actually asking women out. Be brave enough to risk rejection and be man enough to move on from it.
If your boss isn't recognising your contributions at work, then give them something to recognise. Be willing to stand out from the crowd. Speak up with an idea. Get on the radar!
Having a personality, being willing to put yourself out there, choosing to be assertive, does not stop you from being a nice guy. But if you live your life with your head down, blending into the crowd, don't complain when you don't get noticed and don't blame it on being "nice".
Then there are those guys who regard themselves as nice guys and very much tend to buy into the whole "nice guys finish last" thing. They buy into it because, in their eyes, they are nice guys and they are finishing last.
Sure, these are nice guys in the sense that they don't act like dicks, try not to antagonise anyone and pretty much keep to themselves.
However, these guys are not nice, in the same sense that our first two nice guys are. These other "nice guys" are not being nice and finishing last, what they are actually being, is doormats. These guys are just laying down and taking whatever gets heaped onto them, avoiding both conflict and opportunity, in equal measure. They're not finishing last because they are nice guys, they are finishing last because they lack the spine to stand up and assert themselves for anything more. They then cling to the veneer of the nice guy, because that's the only identity left to them and gives them a convenient scapegoat for why they don't get all the things that they fail to go after.
It's not like social injustice doesn't exist, Mr. Nice Guy. Of course it does. But your failure to assert yourself and grow a pair, is not a social injustice.
If women aren't dating you, maybe you should stop blaming it on being "nice" and instead develop some personality and start actually asking women out. Be brave enough to risk rejection and be man enough to move on from it.
If your boss isn't recognising your contributions at work, then give them something to recognise. Be willing to stand out from the crowd. Speak up with an idea. Get on the radar!
Having a personality, being willing to put yourself out there, choosing to be assertive, does not stop you from being a nice guy. But if you live your life with your head down, blending into the crowd, don't complain when you don't get noticed and don't blame it on being "nice".
The Angry Nice Guy
He may have been a genuine nice guy, at one point or perhaps he was always a bit of a douche. Either way, this is a person who believes that he is a nice guy (and perhaps he is, in some ways) and has become angry and embittered by the way he gets treated - or at least, how he perceives he is getting treated.
Most of this guys bitterness is aimed at women (or at least, certain women), because in his perception, he sees women repeatedly getting together with guys who are total bastards that treat them like crap, while failing to recognise that a nice guy would treat them better, love them properly, yada yada.
Of course, while there may be a genuine issue regarding someone (male or female) who gets into a relationship with a person that treats them like crap, this self-declared "nice guy" fails to realise that simply being a nice person, is not grounds enough to expect people to want to go out with you. In fact, things like being nice, respectful and polite, should actually be the baseline for social interaction. Perhaps one can question why someone would choose to commit themselves to someone who acts below that baseline, but being a "nice guy" does not put you above the crowd or mark you as a particularly appealing for a romantic relationship. That is what the angry nice guy needs to realise. Unlike our first two varieties of nice guy, the angry nice guy is approaching the world from a perspective that being nice should come with some kind of reward. In a way he's not wrong - things like manners, respect, etc. should be reciprocated. In other words, we should all adhere to that baseline. But the angry nice guy seems to think that he should get a little something more for being nice. He thinks being nice should mark him as a preferable romantic partner. In this way, the "angry nice guy" isn't really very nice, at all.
He may have been a genuine nice guy, at one point or perhaps he was always a bit of a douche. Either way, this is a person who believes that he is a nice guy (and perhaps he is, in some ways) and has become angry and embittered by the way he gets treated - or at least, how he perceives he is getting treated.
Most of this guys bitterness is aimed at women (or at least, certain women), because in his perception, he sees women repeatedly getting together with guys who are total bastards that treat them like crap, while failing to recognise that a nice guy would treat them better, love them properly, yada yada.
Of course, while there may be a genuine issue regarding someone (male or female) who gets into a relationship with a person that treats them like crap, this self-declared "nice guy" fails to realise that simply being a nice person, is not grounds enough to expect people to want to go out with you. In fact, things like being nice, respectful and polite, should actually be the baseline for social interaction. Perhaps one can question why someone would choose to commit themselves to someone who acts below that baseline, but being a "nice guy" does not put you above the crowd or mark you as a particularly appealing for a romantic relationship. That is what the angry nice guy needs to realise. Unlike our first two varieties of nice guy, the angry nice guy is approaching the world from a perspective that being nice should come with some kind of reward. In a way he's not wrong - things like manners, respect, etc. should be reciprocated. In other words, we should all adhere to that baseline. But the angry nice guy seems to think that he should get a little something more for being nice. He thinks being nice should mark him as a preferable romantic partner. In this way, the "angry nice guy" isn't really very nice, at all.
Of course, people don't really fit neatly into boxes and these can only be generalisations. Lot's of "nice guys" will fall somewhere in between these different caricatures, while others will land spot on one or another. But the real point here is that no one should be making sweeping statements about what it means to be a "nice guys". Instead, if someone identifies this way, we'd do better to ask what kind of nice guy are they, if they are really a nice guy, at all.