This evening, I quite by accident stumbled across a phenomenon that is all at once worrying and a bit insulting. It would seem that I had the poor judgment to extend someone a compliment.I'll provide a little background, though with the names changed to protect the innocent (or guilty, depending on your view).
A friend of mine - we'll call her Joanne - posted several new pictures on her Facebook profile, from a recent night out she had enjoyed. In these pictures were some mutual friends.
In one such picture, Joanne was joined by another girl who I didn't recognise properly (because of how the picture was taken), but thought it might be our mutual friend (who we'll call) Amanda. "If that is Amanda," I thought, "she looks great in that picture." I then left a comment on the photo, simply asking "is that Amanda?" I received no reply.
Days later, my friend mentioned it to me and told me that it was, in fact, Amanda and asked why I was I asking. I told her I was just wondering, as she looks hot in that photo.
What to me was a casual use of the word "hot", in what I thought was an off the cuff compliment, was in fact a can opener that was ready to release a whole tin of worms!
Apparently, my referring to Amanda as looking "hot" in this photo, was deemed as being "creepy" and inappropriate.
Creepy? Inappropriate? Really? I never knew that such an innocent remark could be so secretly loaded.
I've never shown any romantic or sexual interest in Amanda (mainly because I have none), but even so, this is an eighteen year old girl, so even if I (or anyone) were interested in her in that way, it would hardly be inappropriate.
As for creepy, well don' get me wrong, I can absolutely understand how some guys saying certain things like that, in certain situations (and in a certain way), could be considered creepy, pervy. etc. But there has to be some kind of context to these things.
Surely an off hand remark said about a friend can simply be taken at face value, without needing to weave in a second layer of context that was never there in the first place.
I know that I'm talking about a specific incident, that is personal to me, but it has made me think about an issue that many men face: The fear of the compliment.
The Fear of the Compliment
I think that this is a problem faced by men, but thankfully, not all men. In fact, probably not even most men. But it is a symptom of a troubling breakdown between men and women.
What is the fear of the compliment? Quite simply, it is the fear among men that they cannot compliment a woman, especially not on anything physical, due to the concern that their compliment may be misconstrued as an unwanted advance, sexual harassment or just generally be seen as a creep or pervert.
Obviously, some comments are inappropriate. Telling your female colleague that her tits look stunning today, would definitely be the kind of thing that should not be said and would no doubt result in a well deserved visit to human resources to discuss your career future.
But the fear of the compliment, means that a man is afraid of that kind of outcome, for making a rather innocuous comment, like "Hi Mary, that's a nice dress".
It might sound like a crazy situation, but the fear exists.
The root of the fear is undoubtedly threefold: The man is concerned that the intentions/meaning behind his compliment are misunderstood. He is then afraid of such a misunderstanding causing him to be labeled in a certain way, beyond that compliment. I.e. the news spreads and suddenly everyone thinks he's a misogynist, a creep, a predator, a sleaze ball, etc. Finally, he's worried of how that may then impact things like his job, his social interactions with other women (and men) and if he is already in a relationship, how that may be affected.
The root fear of such a misunderstanding occurring, is there because there is an intrinsic understanding for a man, that in matters such as sexual harassment (or even just being dubbed "creepy" or "pervy") he is on the lower rung. He is generally not innocent until proven guilty. Instead, once the accusation is made, he is a sleaze ball by default and must work long and hard to prove his innocence and rebuild his reputation.
It is similar to how many men are treated in accusations of rape or domestic violence. The accusation is hugely destructive and he is generally deemed guilty until proven innocent - or at least, that is how he is made to feel.
Obviously, we shouldn't compare this with real instances of rape and domestic violence. Perpetrators of those crimes should be prosecuted with the full force of the law and if their "reputation" is ruined, then too bad, they'll get no sympathy from me - and I mean that about male and female perpetrators.
But the point is that this is an area where men are disadvantaged or at the very least, made to feel disadvantaged to the point where this fear of compliments is real.
To use another example from my personal life. For a while now, I've had problems with a girl in my life. She and I went on one date. It was a terrible date, the worst I've ever been on and I didn't see her for a while after that. Then, when I did next see her, we ended up sleeping together. It was a poor decision on my part. But afterwards, we didn't contact each other immediately, then after a short while, she messaged me for more and I told her that I thought we should just be friends. I then suffered her telling me continuously in the following months, how she was mad for me and wanted to have sex with me again. I again, had to tell her that I wasn't interested. What followed was further months of her begging me for sex, texting me all hours of the night, asking me to sleep with her. I kept telling her no, but she continued.
I recently found out that she has dealt with this by bad-mouthing me to all and sundry.
I've done what I can to cut her out of my life. Apparently she has just gotten a new boyfriend, so I'm hopeful that will be the end of it.
The point of this tale is that I told a few people, in confidence, what she was doing and while some were surprised by the behaviour, none took it too seriously. But imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine if the story read from a woman's perspective...
"For a while now, I've had problems with a guy in my life. He and I went on one date. It was a terrible date, the worst I've ever been on and I didn't see him for a while after that. Then, when I did next see him, we ended up sleeping together. It was a poor decision on my part. But afterwards, we didn't contact each other immediately, then after a short while, he messaged me for more and I told him that I thought we should just be friends. I then suffered him telling me continuously in the following months, how he was mad for me and wanted to have sex with me again. I again, had to tell him that I wasn't interested. What followed was further months of him begging me for sex, texting me all hours of the night, asking me to sleep with him. I kept telling him no, but he continued.
I recently found out that he has dealt with this by bad-mouthing me to all and sundry."
In the female-perspective example, it's not difficult to perceive the sexual harassment. But in the real story, where I was the one being harassed, it took effort to convince those few confidants that it even was sexual harassment.
There is not a level playing field and perceptions of harassment, sleaziness and impropriety are generally skewed towards female favour. Accusations against a man, in this regard, are treated with far greater gravity than the same accusations against a woman. The ramifications for a man, also tend to be greater.
So it is perhaps no wonder that something as simple as a compliment can cause a great deal of trepidation for men.
You Look Hot
So, I told a friend that I thought our mutual friend "looked hot" in a particular photo. She thought that was creepy and pervy.
I wonder, if I were a women making that same compliment, would it have been creepy or pervy? If I were a gay man making that compliment, would it have been creepy or pervy? Or perhaps, is the defining feature, that I happen to be a straight male and so such a comment can only be taken in the context of my gender and sexual orientation? By being a straight male, can certain things not be said and taken with the same complimentary innocence that would be accepted from a woman or gay man?
Certainly, people can be creepy. They can be pervy. But it seems that in cases like this, "creepy" and "pervy" are little more than expressions of how some people are unable to perceive a comment, except through the lens of gender and sexual orientation. It is a testament to how some people perceive straight men and straight male sexuality.
A friend of mine - we'll call her Joanne - posted several new pictures on her Facebook profile, from a recent night out she had enjoyed. In these pictures were some mutual friends.
In one such picture, Joanne was joined by another girl who I didn't recognise properly (because of how the picture was taken), but thought it might be our mutual friend (who we'll call) Amanda. "If that is Amanda," I thought, "she looks great in that picture." I then left a comment on the photo, simply asking "is that Amanda?" I received no reply.
Days later, my friend mentioned it to me and told me that it was, in fact, Amanda and asked why I was I asking. I told her I was just wondering, as she looks hot in that photo.
What to me was a casual use of the word "hot", in what I thought was an off the cuff compliment, was in fact a can opener that was ready to release a whole tin of worms!
Apparently, my referring to Amanda as looking "hot" in this photo, was deemed as being "creepy" and inappropriate.
Creepy? Inappropriate? Really? I never knew that such an innocent remark could be so secretly loaded.
I've never shown any romantic or sexual interest in Amanda (mainly because I have none), but even so, this is an eighteen year old girl, so even if I (or anyone) were interested in her in that way, it would hardly be inappropriate.
As for creepy, well don' get me wrong, I can absolutely understand how some guys saying certain things like that, in certain situations (and in a certain way), could be considered creepy, pervy. etc. But there has to be some kind of context to these things.
Surely an off hand remark said about a friend can simply be taken at face value, without needing to weave in a second layer of context that was never there in the first place.
I know that I'm talking about a specific incident, that is personal to me, but it has made me think about an issue that many men face: The fear of the compliment.
The Fear of the Compliment
I think that this is a problem faced by men, but thankfully, not all men. In fact, probably not even most men. But it is a symptom of a troubling breakdown between men and women.
What is the fear of the compliment? Quite simply, it is the fear among men that they cannot compliment a woman, especially not on anything physical, due to the concern that their compliment may be misconstrued as an unwanted advance, sexual harassment or just generally be seen as a creep or pervert.
Obviously, some comments are inappropriate. Telling your female colleague that her tits look stunning today, would definitely be the kind of thing that should not be said and would no doubt result in a well deserved visit to human resources to discuss your career future.
But the fear of the compliment, means that a man is afraid of that kind of outcome, for making a rather innocuous comment, like "Hi Mary, that's a nice dress".
It might sound like a crazy situation, but the fear exists.
The root of the fear is undoubtedly threefold: The man is concerned that the intentions/meaning behind his compliment are misunderstood. He is then afraid of such a misunderstanding causing him to be labeled in a certain way, beyond that compliment. I.e. the news spreads and suddenly everyone thinks he's a misogynist, a creep, a predator, a sleaze ball, etc. Finally, he's worried of how that may then impact things like his job, his social interactions with other women (and men) and if he is already in a relationship, how that may be affected.
The root fear of such a misunderstanding occurring, is there because there is an intrinsic understanding for a man, that in matters such as sexual harassment (or even just being dubbed "creepy" or "pervy") he is on the lower rung. He is generally not innocent until proven guilty. Instead, once the accusation is made, he is a sleaze ball by default and must work long and hard to prove his innocence and rebuild his reputation.
It is similar to how many men are treated in accusations of rape or domestic violence. The accusation is hugely destructive and he is generally deemed guilty until proven innocent - or at least, that is how he is made to feel.
Obviously, we shouldn't compare this with real instances of rape and domestic violence. Perpetrators of those crimes should be prosecuted with the full force of the law and if their "reputation" is ruined, then too bad, they'll get no sympathy from me - and I mean that about male and female perpetrators.
But the point is that this is an area where men are disadvantaged or at the very least, made to feel disadvantaged to the point where this fear of compliments is real.
To use another example from my personal life. For a while now, I've had problems with a girl in my life. She and I went on one date. It was a terrible date, the worst I've ever been on and I didn't see her for a while after that. Then, when I did next see her, we ended up sleeping together. It was a poor decision on my part. But afterwards, we didn't contact each other immediately, then after a short while, she messaged me for more and I told her that I thought we should just be friends. I then suffered her telling me continuously in the following months, how she was mad for me and wanted to have sex with me again. I again, had to tell her that I wasn't interested. What followed was further months of her begging me for sex, texting me all hours of the night, asking me to sleep with her. I kept telling her no, but she continued.
I recently found out that she has dealt with this by bad-mouthing me to all and sundry.
I've done what I can to cut her out of my life. Apparently she has just gotten a new boyfriend, so I'm hopeful that will be the end of it.
The point of this tale is that I told a few people, in confidence, what she was doing and while some were surprised by the behaviour, none took it too seriously. But imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine if the story read from a woman's perspective...
"For a while now, I've had problems with a guy in my life. He and I went on one date. It was a terrible date, the worst I've ever been on and I didn't see him for a while after that. Then, when I did next see him, we ended up sleeping together. It was a poor decision on my part. But afterwards, we didn't contact each other immediately, then after a short while, he messaged me for more and I told him that I thought we should just be friends. I then suffered him telling me continuously in the following months, how he was mad for me and wanted to have sex with me again. I again, had to tell him that I wasn't interested. What followed was further months of him begging me for sex, texting me all hours of the night, asking me to sleep with him. I kept telling him no, but he continued.
I recently found out that he has dealt with this by bad-mouthing me to all and sundry."
In the female-perspective example, it's not difficult to perceive the sexual harassment. But in the real story, where I was the one being harassed, it took effort to convince those few confidants that it even was sexual harassment.
There is not a level playing field and perceptions of harassment, sleaziness and impropriety are generally skewed towards female favour. Accusations against a man, in this regard, are treated with far greater gravity than the same accusations against a woman. The ramifications for a man, also tend to be greater.
So it is perhaps no wonder that something as simple as a compliment can cause a great deal of trepidation for men.
You Look Hot
So, I told a friend that I thought our mutual friend "looked hot" in a particular photo. She thought that was creepy and pervy.
I wonder, if I were a women making that same compliment, would it have been creepy or pervy? If I were a gay man making that compliment, would it have been creepy or pervy? Or perhaps, is the defining feature, that I happen to be a straight male and so such a comment can only be taken in the context of my gender and sexual orientation? By being a straight male, can certain things not be said and taken with the same complimentary innocence that would be accepted from a woman or gay man?
Certainly, people can be creepy. They can be pervy. But it seems that in cases like this, "creepy" and "pervy" are little more than expressions of how some people are unable to perceive a comment, except through the lens of gender and sexual orientation. It is a testament to how some people perceive straight men and straight male sexuality.